Sometimes I want to curl up in the dark and hide.
Other times I want to tell someone about the thoughts that make me want to sink into the ground.
But I always end up chosing the dark because my problems and worries seem so invalid and insignificant compared to everyone else's. I feel guilty talking about what hurts me because I feel weak, spoiled, and ungrateful.
I'm aware of just how much my parents do for me, and I'm grateful.
But I can't help but remember all the times they told me they didn't love me, threatened to disown me, locked me in the garage, and gave me the silent treatment for displeasing them.
Or when my mother hit me with a broomstick until it broke because little-kid me had forgotten to finish the tomatoes she'd packed for me as a snack.
Or when she body shamed me, and then snapped at me for eating less and less every day.
I really shouldn't complain, they've forgotten all of the things mentioned above. They're better, though not perfect, parents now. They've experimented and learned with raising me, and are now so much better guardians for my little brother.
Now all it takes for everything to be better is for me to forgive and forget. I feel so petty for still flinching at loud conversations, for holding my breath when I hear a smacking noise, for even thinking that I have the right to feel sad about everything.
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小瓶主さんの想いを優しく受け止めてあげてください
みあ🌙
Well, I am not really fluent in English so maybe some grammars are weird but please don’t care.
I don’t know how did you arrive to this application but that means that you are suffering with something.
I can’t say “I feel you” but I can say “You are a strong person”. As you can say your feeling with words, you are understanding your situation and you are thinking about it seriously. That is really difficult thing and really scaring thing.
I respect you sincerely.
I hope you can laugh from the bottom of your heart someday.
Let’s fight together.
ななしさん
There's no need for you to feel inferior. I don't know the situation very well, so it might not be right for me to say this, but from what I've read, I think your parent are more at fault than you. They may be good parent to your brother, but if you feel scared of them, if you think they didn't love you, then you're right. You should love yourself lots. Don't try to love your parent to the point of forcing yourself. I will love you until you're able to love someone, before you break down.
僕の現在位置@花粉症
Hi,
After reading your essay, I reflected on what kind of person makes a good parent.
Your parents once confined you, subjected you to physical punishment, and flew into rages against you. Such treatment likely not only made you mentally unstable but also had a negative impact on your memory.
I'm grateful that you shared such experiences in the form of a realistic story.
I'm a patient with complex PTSD who experienced abuse from my mother. I've lived with very complicated feelings toward my own parents.
While you say that one should not complain about their parents, after much anguish, I confronted my parents about my mother's mistreatment and my father's indifference to my education.
For better or worse, they didn't completely deny what I pointed out to them. However, my mother didn't clarify whether she intentionally harmed me.
This is truly unbearable suffering for me, and I think it's a terrible situation.
I also have a younger brother, but they failed to be good parents to him as well.
In the end, at least for me, I've come to the conclusion that good parents are simply adults who DO NOT abuse their children. That is the only thing I know for certain.
The past cannot be changed, and healing a wounded psyche will take an incredibly long time. I feel a sense of helplessness every day about the uncertain future.
Take care,
Boku-no-Genzai-ichi
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