A Secret I've Kept Since Kindergarten (3/3)

(Cont'd)

[Reflection]
This episode remains in my memory as a strikingly realistic, vivid experience. However, what I felt as my consciousness grew distant—was it appropriate for a child of merely four or five years old to experience such things? In other words, I questioned whether the meaning of such an event could only be understood at a later age. I was troubled by this for quite some time afterward, alone and unable to tell anyone.

To put it bluntly, I secretly worried whether I might be some kind of embarrassing pervert. Wasn't I strange for having such sensual feelings from such a young age?
I still haven't found a definitive answer, but it was fortunate that this worry didn't make me mentally distressed, at least.

Still, I sometimes ponder whether it's normal for a young boy to be conscious of another person's saliva scent, and when I imagine that the barley tea remaining in her mouth, warmed by body temperature, may have produced an even stronger aroma than the cold beverage would—at such moments I look back and think that perhaps I wasn't "normal" as a young child after all.

Even if I can understand it as one of many childhood memories, the idea that someone else's scent made my body tingle inside is far too sensual a sensation for a young child who knew nothing of romance or sexuality to have, and difficult to readily process.

I've often asked myself what Yua was thinking back then. That girl, who seemed mature for her age, gave me those innocent gestures of affection multiple times—probably as a sign of friendship, if not quite a romantic feeling. Perhaps Yua was teaching me that "you were a little more mature than others," a realization I would come to later.
Come to think of it, I never did manage to tell Yua that her cherry hair tie was charming. This too is one of my secret feelings.

It seems I'm someone who highly values sensations—I've been described this way by others throughout my life. When I think about it, there are aspects of myself that fit this description, and the assessment is probably largely correct.

I'll leave it here as a written record.